


you're out of touch ( i'm out of time )

by smartbuckley



Series: Buddie Codas [4]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Breaking Up & Making Up, Depression, Dom/sub Undertones, Established Relationship, Hand Jobs, Light Angst, Light Bondage, M/M, Medications, Panic Attack, Rope Bondage, Touch-Starved, mentions of:, post 3x05, reckless / suicidal behavior
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-23
Updated: 2019-10-23
Packaged: 2020-12-28 23:09:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,576
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21144758
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smartbuckley/pseuds/smartbuckley
Summary: Post 3x05 fic. Buck's missing his boyfriend. He hasn't been with him since before the tsunami and with them not talking, he's finding himself losing control rather fast.





	you're out of touch ( i'm out of time )

**Author's Note:**

> This wasn't the fic I planned on writing post 3x05 - but something I wrote in the actual coda i'm writing sparked this, and then the discord server was talking about touch starved Buck and... this happened. It's not super angsty, but there is light angst. Buck pretty much thinks he and Eddie are broken up, but. Well, read to find out, I suppose. I hope you enjoy the story, folks. Also, story is unedited. It's 3AM, don't be surprised.

He’s sitting in the chair, sitting across from his family, and his leg is shaking under the table. His lawyer is next to him, and he nudges him, but it’s not… it’s not what he wants. He misses his family, misses everything about them but more importantly, he misses the comforting touch of Bobby after a shift, or the squeeze of his shoulder from Chim. He misses the feel of Eddie’s hand on his back, guiding him and aiding him and sending electricity through him, no matter how light the touch. His entire body ached, and his emotions were a complete wreck as his lawyer chewed into his family, something he didn’t understand one bit, since he said everything as a general rant, not to be used against them.

But he knew he fucked up when he saw Eddie sitting across from him. All he wanted was to feel Eddie against him, wrapped around him, comforting him but he knew that that wasn’t going to happen. Knew the way the lawyer smirked when he sat down. He wanted to cry -- he had already cried enough times -- knew he had to wait until he was alone. Of course, that happened much sooner than he thought it would, the elevator door closing in on him with his family staring at him with anger in their faces. His shoulders slumping, Buck slowly made his way down the stairs of the building, not interested in waiting for the elevator and taking it, not when his mind was all over the place, and all he wanted -- all he needed was someone to just….  _ Be there _ . 

The days passed slowly for Buck, his entire body becoming more and more tense, even after he decided to not take the money, to go visit the team at the grocery store Bobby always preferred buying from when he was cooking a big meal. He felt like a wire trap, ready to be sprung, and he nearly had when Eddie had started arguing with him at the grocery store, but instead someone else had snapped, and the team had to leave and Buck just -- wanted to cry, always wanted to cry.

And then he was in the clear, and Bobby was inviting him to a rage room, and it felt so good, so nice, but it still wasn’t enough, especially when he turned after slamming his thoughts out with his sledgehammer, expecting to see Eddie, and seeing Bosko instead. And then he had to learn Eddie had plans, plans that Bosko knew of but Buck didn’t, and he returned back to his home, just wanting to sleep and to cry and to ---

He just wanted Eddie. He wanted his boyfriend, wanted his forgiveness, wanted… he wanted to be able to  _ feel _ Eddie again, and he didn’t know when that was going to happen. But he falls asleep, wanting, and there’s nothing he can do in his dreams.

* * *

The weeks go by, and Buck still feels alone, still feels  _ empty _ , especially without the same comradery he’s had with Eddie beforehand. They had been dating for four months before the tsunami - Buck feeling so much better during his rehabilitation, but now - not it was like they weren’t even friends. And he missed Eddie in so many ways, but the other man wasn’t talking to him, wasn’t looking at him, wasn’t  _ touching _ him and even though everything else fine -- Buck was still sleeping alone at home, still having nightmares, still feeling empty, and he absolutely hated it. Which was why he probably did what he did, when he first decided to do something reckless and stupid on a call, with Eddie as his partner. He didn’t know what he was thinking, not really. What he did know was that he was tired, so god damn tired of being ignored, and not being touched, and he knew there was someone stuck in the building, and no one was going to get them, because of  _ protocol _ , and Buck ---

Buck was an idiot, he knows. But he had grabbed the little girl from the building on fire, and brought her out of it, even though he knew it was dangerous, especially since he went in alone, with Eddie yelling at him for doing so. But Buck shrugged, and walked away, his shoulder bumping into Eddie’s while Bobby was watching carefully.

The second time it happened, it was a few days later, and Buck had been walking a ladder to help a few people escape from a blocked room in another building. He hadn’t been paired off during this call, something he was more than fine with. The ladder had fallen from the tenth story window to the third while Buck was helping out the last person from the room. Everyone had turned out fine, but Buck had let out a breath of  _ something _ , the person being helped by Hen and Chim before Buck himself had  _ jumped _ down.

He knew that doing so was stupid, especially with his damn leg but for one very quick moment, Buck felt free when he was in the air, like nothing could hurt him or hold him back. The moment he landed on the ground though, it was like his entire body remembered the hell he had been going through, and the fact that he hadn’t been touched in so long -- that it automatically tensed. Which sucked, especially when Bobby clapped his back, and Chim squeezed his shoulder. Both were touches, but none of them were touches he wanted, his eyes to the ground as he tried to breath through whatever the hell it was going through.

Once he did though, he looked up, ready to walk on from that moment before meeting Eddie’s eyes, seeing the anger in them and  _ scowling _ , because what right does Eddie have, being angry at him for just doing his damn job? 

“What, Diaz?” He asks, the barb silent as he says Eddie’s last name, the things between them changing as Eddie steps in front of him and gets knocked away. A thrill goes through Buck’s body, but he ignores it - ignores it the same way he ignores the lingering bruises on Eddie’s knuckles.

Eddie has made it abundantly clear that he has no right asking what the hell is going on with him. Even if it makes Buck confused when Christopher calls him at three in the morning, wanting his dad but not having his dad.

The third, fourth and fifth times it happens -- Buck doesn’t even remember. He remembers always getting chewed out by Bobby afterwards for doing something so dumb, for risking his job, especially since he just got it back, but he always stopped paying attention when he could feel Eddie’s glare on his back.

The sixth time it happens is the last time. He had just gotten off a facetime call with Christopher, because even though Eddie is being  _ Diaz _ , even though he hasn’t been with his boyfriend in months, and is unsure if they even are still boyfriends -- he’s never going to harm that kid, never going to let him think anything is wrong.

The sixth time it happens, they had just finished a call, everything seemed okay, and Buck took the wrong step, falling into a sinkhole and  _ screaming _ . Screaming because of how he landed on his arm, screaming because he  _ hated _ falling, hated not being in control. Screaming because it had surprised him. When he looks down at his arm after sitting up carefully, he’s thankful to see it’s just dislocated, something he can pop back in when he gets up. If he gets up. Does he want to get up?

He’s tired, so damn tired. And his body is tense, because of the fact that he hasn’t been hugged or held in months, and he just ---

He’s pulled up, lets out a small smile towards Chim and Hen and Bobby before getting into the truck, breathing through the panic he feels rising. The ride back to the firehouse is a blur, as is everyone who talks to him before realizing he’s not in a talking mood. When the truck finally stops, Buck is one of the first ones out, one of the first ones to the locker room before he slams his shoulder on one of the lockers, moaning until it’s finally no longer dislocated. He sits on one of the benches immediately, his head in his hands as his leg shakes before he’s up and off the bench, making his way home because there’s nothing else he can do.

* * *

He’s been home for two hours when there’s a loud pounding on his door. He’s on the couch, full beer bottle opened on his table, even though he hasn’t drank it, and a movie playing on in the background that he has no idea about. He doesn’t want to get up, doesn’t want to ruin the comfortable spot he’s in, with his eyes drooping, so he doesn’t. For the first time in however long, he’s content to just…. Stay where he is and ignore everything around him, including the loud ass banging on his front door.

And when the pounding on his door stops, Buck lets out a small breath of relief before he sits up in surprise when he hears a key in the lock, eyes widening when he realizes just  _ who _ it is that was pounding on his door at --- three in the damn morning, he realizes, looking at the clock on his wall. By the time his door is opened, he’s been staring at it for what feels like an eternity, surprised to see that it’s Eddie standing in his doorway, even though he’s the only person with a key to his apartment. He opens his mouth before closing it, the clacking of his teeth loud in the silence of the room and the two of them. He feels like he’s breathing hard and not breathing at all, and he doesn’t understand what’s going on before he ends up scoffing and leaning back into the couch, ignoring the way he flinches when the door closes - not loudly, not since it’s three in the morning, even though it sounds very loud.

Buck remains quiet, even when Eddie ends up kneeling in front of him, and he has a hard time ignoring the older man when he spots the split lip and the bruised eye. He wants to lean forward and touch, wants to make sure there’s nothing wrong with his -- with Eddie, but instead he just stays still and swallows, not sure what he should do.

It’s been almost two months, and… everything feels like a lie. 

“What are you doing here, Diaz?” He asks, looking towards the beer bottle just out of reach and pinching the bridge of his nose when he hears Eddie growl. It was something that always turned him on, and even now he has a hard time not reacting to it, making sure to look away from Eddie and just… keep calm.

“Don’t call me that.” Eddie says and Buck nearly startles, looking towards Eddie with a frown while trying not to scoff, rubbing his forehead instead as he tries to not do something completely insane.

“Why not? S’not like you’ve been responding to me anyways? S’not like others aren't calling you that,” Buck responds back, a hiss on the others as he realizes he’s talking about Bosko, and isn’t that hilarious. He didn’t think he was still jealous about that, especially since he’s met Lena’s girlfriend, but he supposes since it’s been a while, he might as well bring up everything that he’s thought about. He sees Eddie become confused and god, he’s missed the cute look of confusion the older man gets, but he shakes his head, shakes himself out of the memory that’s starting to form.

“What do you want, man?” He ends up asking instead, body tense and tight like he’s prepared for a fight, when all he wants is to fall asleep ad be held while doing so. He sees Eddie gulp and -- he looks away. He can’t keep looking, not when he’s no longer allowed to.

“I miss you,” he hears and his eyes snap back to Eddie’s while widening, his heart pounding inside his chest as Eddie inches closer, his hand going to Buck’s knees and resting on top of them. Buck gasps, eyes closing briefly before he snaps them back open.

“I miss you, so damn much. And I’ve been so angry, and I -- I never understood why I was so angry, especially after you dropped the suit,” Eddie whispers, a small whimper escaping from Buck as his hands travel to Buck’s cheek, his thumb caressing him.

“And it was because you weren’t talking to me. It felt like you had dropped me and Christopher, that we weren’t good enough. But I knew that wasn’t true, because you  _ were _ talking to Christopher. And you had tried talking to me, especially after the suit was dropped, but --”

“You were angry,” Buck whispers while Eddie nods, his hands going to Buck’s neck as he lets out a breath.

“I’ve been street fighting, to try and get the anger out. Each time you did something stupid, I would street fight. Felt like maybe we were being stupid together, but not.” Eddie scoffs, shaking his head as he moves to sit right next to Buck, bringing him closer so they’re leaning against one another, Buck letting out a gasp as his nerves begin firing up at the contact.

“And then you fell today and I was  _ terrified _ . It wasn’t even a bad fall, but for one moment, it felt like you had fallen out of my life for good. And I couldn’t handle that. I didn’t want to handle that. So after you left, I talked to Bobby, and he had explained everything I hadn’t let you talk about with me,” Eddie trails off, and Buck hums, knowing he means the reasoning behind why he did the lawsuit, and his feelings. Something he would’ve gone to Eddie with first, if he could have.

“And then I went to another street fight, because I had so much anger in me. And for the first time since I started, I  _ lost _ . And as I was laying there with my split lip and bruised eye, I wondered what the  _ fuck _ I was doing. I  _ love you _ , Evan, and there I was, being an idiot because I didn’t understand. Because I didn’t want to understand, and I wanted to remain angry so I could feel something other than the complete terror I felt at the realization that you and Chris were in a damn tsunami, and that I could have lost you both.” Eddie gasps, moving so his body is hovering over Buck’s, their contact minimal but just enough that Buck lets out a moan when Eddie finally rests his weight on Buck’s lap, his hands on Buck’s face.

“I could see all of the signs, you know. That you hadn’t been touched the way you wanted. That you hadn’t had a single release. That you were just as angry as me,” Eddie whispers, kissing the top of Buck’s forehead, Buck whimpering once more in responds as he finds himself getting hard from that alone, showing just how long it’s been.

“I’ve been an idiot. And I miss you so goddamn much, baby,” Eddie whispers, hands running through Buck’s short hair as Buck nearly begins sobbing, his own arms wrapping around Eddie’s waist, bringing him even closer. The moment they kiss, Buck swears he can hear fireworks going off in his head, his hands squeezing Eddie’s hips and bringing him even more closer than before. Their kiss is passionate, tongues dueling like when they first kissed so many moons ago, a moan slipping free from Buck as his hips thrust upwards and he’s met with the hard lines of Eddie’s dick, eyes fluttering behind their closed lids, before Eddie breaks away and trails kisses down his neck, fingers moving up his abs and under his shirt. Buck has no idea when Eddie’s hands went there, but he doesn’t care, another moan slipping free as Eddie breaks away, panting.

“I -- I can’t have you doing this to me again, Eds. I can’t handle not having you around, even if I fuck up as badly as I did before. It’s been hell, man. Not having your touch to like, hold me down? I can’t handle this shit, barely kept taking my meds,” Buck nearly sobs, shaking his head while Eddie holds onto him, whispering words into his ear that he can barely understand. He feels like he’s coming home, feels like he can finally calm down as Eddie continues to touch him, touch every inch of skin he has.

“I need you, man. I need you in so many ways but most importantly, I need you to help me come down,” Buck whispers, and he sees Eddie’s eyes widening in understanding before they’re kissing once more, fast and furious before Eddie slows it down, letting their kiss become lingering. Buck feels like he can breath again, and he lets out a small chuckle, shaking his head briefly in disbelief.

“Do you want to go upstairs?” Eddie asks and Buck nods, slowly getting helped into a standing position by Eddie, shuddering at the skin contact that’s provided. They go up the stairs slowly, kissing, reacquainting themselves until they reach the bed. Buck gets pushed back, marvelling at Eddie’s gentleness, almost frowning when he sees the bruises on Eddie’s face once more.

“Are you going to be good?” Eddie whispers, bringing Buck’s arms up above his head as Buck nods, biting his lower lip with wide eyes as Buck grabs the posts of his bed. It’s been so long, but he knows that with Eddie, he’s safe, and no matter how angry they were at one another,  _ this _ between them will never change.

“Do you remember your colors?” Eddie asks, thrusting into Buck with a small grin while Buck groans. 

“Green is good. Yellow is slow down. Red is stop. If I can’t speak, I whistle. If I can’t do that, I--” Buck pauses here, eyes fluttering when Eddie begins biting and sucking on his neck. “If I can’t whistle, I knock on the nightstand or I kick the bell on the post,” he finishes as Eddie hums.

“What do you want first, Buck?” Eddie asks, slowly removing his shirt while his arms are up, throwing it somewhere before pushing forward to kiss him once more. Buck wraps his arms around Eddie, bringing him closer while his legs also move to wrap around him, like a true octopus. Eddie bites on his lower lip before moving away and tying Buck’s wrists to the posts above him, causing an instant calmness to go through him at the feeling of being controlled.

“Fuck,” Buck whispers, eyes closing in complete trust as Eddie kisses down his neck, and his chest, before reaching his boxers, Buck thankful it was a hot night tonight and he planned on sleeping nearly naked. 

“Eddie, please,” Buck whines, hips thrusting upwards when Eddie begins slowly removing his boxers, his dick tented inside of them, begging for touch, for release. When Eddie finally releases him, a small whimper escapes, especially when he feels Eddie stroke him lightly, a moan escaping him as he tries to get more contact, pushing against the bonds that keep him where he is.

“Color?” Eddie asks and Buck lets out a groan, before nearly shouting green as his toes curl while Eddie begins stroking him firmly, fingers tight against his cock. 

“Want -- want you, Eddie,” he moans as Eddie begins to stroke him faster, his balls tightening while he feels pressure building, knowing he’s going to come soon, probably quicker than ever because of how long it’s been.

“You have me, baby,” Eddie whispers against his ear, kissing his neck while his strokes change continuously, Buck’s eyelids rolling backwards while his hands curl, wanting to touch Eddie in return. He shakes his head, and Eddie knows why Buck is shaking his head, knows why his entire body is shaking, in general.

Buck comes with a shout a few minutes later, Eddie with a groan and Buck nearly snorts as he pants.

“Did you just come in your pants like a high schooler?” Buck questions, breathing heavily as he searches for Eddie’s neck and begins kissing it, hands straightening as Eddie hums.

“You’re always so hot when you’re pliant. Unable to do anything but take what I give you. And it’s been so damn long, Evan,” Eddie whispers in return once he breaks off the kiss. Buck feels something in him loosen when he hears Eddie say that, something calm going through him as his hands are untied and he can wrap them around Eddie’s body, pulling him close as their legs tangled together. He knows Eddie’s going to have to move soon to get undressed, knows they’re going to have to talk tomorrow about everything else but right now -- Buck doesn’t care. He’s free, and calm, and he has Eddie with him.

“I love you,” he whispers, eyes shut as he feels his body shutting down on him, ready to sleep. He hears Eddie say it back, feels him hum softly, before sleep takes him fully. For the first time, he sleeps well, and he knows.

It’s because Eddie is in his arms.

**Author's Note:**

> Let me know your thoughts on it, especially the sex. I'm not good at writing sex scenes, lol. But yeah, comments are _noice_, especially detailed ones. Come find me on tumblr at [laumeidelfin](https://laumeidelfin.tumblr.com).


End file.
